I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
