Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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