I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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