1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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