if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
