who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
