Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
