she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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