marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
