I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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