I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
