the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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