Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
