you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
