He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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