I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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