dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
