Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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