Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
