Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
