I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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