we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Vodka?
Forever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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