I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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