thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
