the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
