My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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