Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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