Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
