I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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