we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
