I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
