Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
