He had one of those small greek statue penises
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
