I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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