You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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