worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
