I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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