I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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