I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
