So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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