Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
