I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
