So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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