i already hear my dad disowning me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
