I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
