1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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