I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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