Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
