new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
