you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
