Acid is not a monday night drug
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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