I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
