He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
